Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

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“Stalking”. God forbid I have access to public information and know how to utilize my resources.

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I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on.

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9am: anything is possible. 2pm: maybe tomorrow.

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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else.

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I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen”, I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”.

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That awkward moment you can’t understand what somebody is saying after they have repeated it about five times.

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When they dress up really nice, but all you can think about is the thrill of taking it off.

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I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

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My favorite recipe is the one where I pick up the phone and order food.

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If I were you, I would rather be me.