BOISE—Ed Couchpotato, 35, told reporters that his seemingly idle stance on the couch is far from inactive. “It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head I’m quite busy,” Ed mused, pointing to the imaginary hamster wheel inside his brain. Neighbors confirm observing a distinct lack of movement for nearly eight hours, though no decrease in claimed productivity.

Despite outward appearances, Ed asserts that he is engaged in “profound thought experiments” while watching reruns of a show his mind deconstructs into philosophical debates, challenging traditional morality. “While the world sees only a static figure, I’m actually solving tiny universes of problems,” Ed declared as he reached for another slice of cold pizza, claiming it vital fuel for his ‘brain-storming sessions.’

Experts are split on Ed’s claims, with some suggesting he might possess undiscovered psychic powers. “You just don’t understand the sheer intensity it takes to appear this relaxed,” Ed argued, concluding that his sofa is the ultimate locus of high-stakes intellectual warfare, as long as he doesn’t have to get up and prove it.