ALBUQUERQUE—Determined to improve his well-being, local man Darren Kent has decided that romance is off the table after recent medical advice. “My blood pressure’s too high to chase these hoes,” he said, clutching his prescription bottle like a lifeline.

The 39-year-old, known for his elaborate dating antics, now focuses on cardio workouts. “I’m trading candlelit dinners for the treadmill,” he explained, adding that breaking a sweat beats heart palpitations.

In an unexpected twist, Darren has now become the spokesperson for “Healthy Heart” speed-dating events, turning his avoidance into activism. “Sure, love hurts,” he noted, “but the real pain’s in my left ventricle.” Organizers tout the events as a place for singletons who’d rather outrun Cupid’s arrow than get struck by it.