Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out.

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You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

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God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo.

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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about too many people.

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I can’t believe I slept good all night. What a rush.

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The real threat to Democracy is the Bureaucracy.

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Dear Stomach, you’re bored, not hungry. So shut up.

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Sex is cool but have you ever had your bed all to yourself.

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It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

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Please pray for my husband, he’s struggling to find me.

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I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it.