My card declined at Subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me.

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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

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I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

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Can someone please help me, I’m still at the Fyre Festival.

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There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes “o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra”. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”.

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To get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica.

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The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe, Eat cake.

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Guys with grey in their beards will do that thing you like.

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Inflation is actually a good thing, it means money is going viral.

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Asked a German girl for her number, and I’m still waiting for the rest of the digits. So far, all I have is “nine.”

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What if your dog one day just randomly said “Nobody is going to believe you” and never spoke again.