If you ever have a crush on someone and want it to end, listen to a podcast they are on. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
I really wish people would stop thinking they need to speak to me in the mornings. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
If you order a pizza with veggies on it, you can tell people you had a salad. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Sometimes I do something completely out of character, like say no to a slice of pizza, or trust someone. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
If I was a star and you were a star, I would wink at you and blink at you and twinkle at you and the earthlings would call it science. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
The number one rule of Thanksgiving dinner is take your own vehicle so you can leave on your own terms. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Every girl’s personal hell is being too excited about their birthday and it ends up being the worst day ever. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
God: “You’re all a bunch of bastards and I should never have created you.” Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
“Hope this email finds you doing well!” The email found me, therefore I am unwell. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Much of my algorithm is based on when I paused while scrolling to grab a snack. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Very difficult being a full grown adult with a terrible fear of being “in trouble”. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Watching someone else control the computer and doing it differently than you would, is one of life’s greatest challenges. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Sorry that I cannot come out drinking with you tonight, as I will be drinking at home. Alone. By myself. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago