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5,000+ funny quotes

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Big fan of the comma, just great. Like look, I just made you pause the sentence as you read it. Oh look, I just did it again.

Funny Quotes August 21, 2024

I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.

Funny Quotes October 15, 2023

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian.

Funny Quotes June 29, 2024

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Funny Quotes September 29, 2023

“You should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day”. Okay, and how much if you’re not trying to go to the Olympics?

Funny Quotes May 15, 2024

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there.

Funny Quotes July 7, 2024

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Funny Quotes August 3, 2024

If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets, you should really put up a sign.

Funny Quotes May 27, 2024

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Funny Quotes August 12, 2024

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

Funny Quotes June 17, 2024

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

Funny Quotes September 20, 2024