Parenting is yelling ‘you just had a snack!’ over and over until you give in and throw them another snack.

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You ever have one of those days that require the use of both of your middle fingers?

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Having children is a pyramid scheme.

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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month.

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“I made this with AI.” Yeah, we can tell.

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One thing nobody gives pigeons enough credit for is their ability to get out of the way on the sidewalk. A lot of you could learn a thing or two from them.

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Be the reason why a count unleashes ancient horrors onto the world when he thinks of you.

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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to say sorry.

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Girls will be like, “This is my comfort song,” and it’s the howling of a wolf inside a dark forest.

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I’m glad cars were invented. Imagine riding a horse at 3 a.m., coming back from the club.

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Roses are red, I’m staying in bed. I’ve made no plans, besides pretending I’m dead.