Trendy Funny Quotes

  • There are drug-sniffing dogs, guide dogs, dogs that save lives. And then there’s my dog, who hits the lead when he poops.
  • I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a sabbatical was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
  • Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
  • Have y’all tried calories? They’re so good.
  • If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
  • I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth.