Sane is boring.

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Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out.

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I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there.

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It’s kinda weird that in order to go to sleep you have to pretend like you are already sleeping.

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I’ve used dark mode so much that I’m physically repulsed by white screens now.

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Me and my best friend saying, “Hey, who are we to judge,” after spending 6 hours gossiping.

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You’ve agreed to go out with me, so that’s going to immediately count against you.

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Tons of names in my phones are “Kenny Landlord,” “Mike Electric,” or “Pete Do Not Answer,” and I just realized this is how Anglo surnames have always worked.

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Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

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The bad news is I forgot to wear my spaghetti-eating shirt. The good news is I have a new spaghetti-eating shirt.

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Hate it when I pull out a winter coat and there’s no money stashed in it.