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Overthinking should at least burn calories.

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The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it.

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Subtitles are for when you’re eating chips.

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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake.

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This Monday has Monday written all over it.

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Imagine how organized the first person to write down a recipe must have been.

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Apparently I lack empathy, according to some stupid cow in HR.

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Alcohol and eye contact is a deadly combo.

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Like, who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect?

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All I’ve ever wanted is to look good naked, hope that someone can take it.