ALBUQUERQUE—A groundbreaking new study released this week by the Institute of Practical Challenges has found that everyday life is exponentially more difficult for individuals who routinely misplace items like their glasses, despite having placed them atop their own heads. According to the report, the challenges faced by these individuals can be 75% more daunting than those who possess the simple ability to glance in the bathroom mirror before questioning the entirety of their surroundings.

The researchers at the Institute, known for their recent publication on the perils of going grocery shopping while hungry, have discovered a startling correlation between low spatial awareness and increased difficulty in navigating life’s mundane tasks. ‘Our subjects repeatedly demonstrated a concerning level of disbelief upon realizing the object of their frantic search has been on their person or within their immediate vicinity all along,’ explained lead researcher Dr. Leslie Clamber. ‘For people prone to such forgetfulness, a task as simple as remembering which pocket holds their ringing phone can rapidly evolve into an existential crisis.’

In response to these findings, local communities are considering implementing support groups specifically designed for individuals plagued by chronic challenges of absent-mindedness. The sessions, tentatively named ‘Hold Fast Before You Cast,’ aim to reinforce crucial strategies such as ‘The Pat Down’ and ‘The Double Tap’ to help participants avoid unnecessary struggles. ‘We believe a world exists where people can thrive without wailing over keys that, unbeknownst to them, have been in their coat the entire time,’ Clamber added, noting that these techniques hold the potential to revolutionize the lives of those desperately seeking relief from self-induced adversity.