The French only eat snails because they don’t like fast food.

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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership.

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I keep my mind active by worrying.

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I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

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Since you’re all so in love, switch phones for Valentine’s Day!

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Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

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I wish more modern politics were about trying to stop the fulfillment of an ancient prophecy.

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Choosing to ignore my strangely symbolic dream because I have a lot going on right now already.

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I’m not tispy. I’m merry.

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If I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.