Trendy Funny Quotes

  • The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
  • The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
  • I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.
  • I’m ready for a new relationship. My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
  • How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
  • Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?