The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

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Deciding if I should heal or just give up and go completely insane.

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My signature move is waving at someone who is waving at the person behind me.

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The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

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If you lift the cat off the couch and it sounds like Velcro, then it didn’t want to leave.

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Relationship rule: If the woman has told something and the man doesn’t remember, the man hasn’t listened. If the man has told something and the woman doesn’t remember, the man has never told it.

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The empty spot in your bed is for snacks, not liars.

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You’re not stuck in traffic. You are traffic.

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I want a hot body, but I also want hot wings.

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Memories are a bit fuzzy – but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.