The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

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The reason I stay up late is because I don’t want my free time to end, and tomorrow to start.

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I have an addiction to pattern recognition.

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Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I’d grow up to be a weird freak.

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I hated rats even before my girlfriend left me for one.

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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early, they’re going to have to learn how to make coffee.

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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

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The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

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I’ve never had a beer in the shower; I’m saving it for a very low moment in my life.

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Farmers markets should be for vegetables — not for millennials unloading their failed Etsy-store arts and crafts.

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I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning, and the next day I do it all over again.