The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons, and 85% morons.

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Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

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The week before your period doesn’t make any sense… until you realize it’s the week before your period.

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Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let’s be positive here.

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Pretending to be a well-adjusted, functioning adult is so exhausting.

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I have more photos of food on my phone than I do of my children.

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Probably always gonna be the weirdo that believes in magic.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has downloaded:

I be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb.

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A couple of years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

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I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

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They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than expected.