There are advantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it. There are disadvantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it.

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My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.

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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy.

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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

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I’m not saying I need glasses. But today I watched a bunny in a meadow until it flew away.

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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black.

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My mother told me there is a girl for me in every corner of the earth, but unfortunately the earth is round.

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They should invent friends whose schedules line up with yours.

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I am AOL Instant Messenger years old.

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Having a low-quality camera will definitely force you to keep your life private.

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When I get tired of shopping, I sit down and try on shoes.