They should invent health insurance that insures your health.

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This can’t be the same body that used to be able to stay up all night.

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Wild how we don’t get a public holiday for Wrestlemania, but okay.

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As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

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Nobody rots in bed like I do.

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What’s said in the blanket fort, stays in the blanket fort.

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If an ice cream truck has its music on, are you supposed to pull over and let it pass like an ambulance?

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The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

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You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill.

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After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

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Aliens probably lock their doors when they fly past Earth.