Today I couldn’t find a parking space at work, so I drove back home. Looks like they have enough people there.

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The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.

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This entire month could’ve been an email.

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People singing Happy Birthday to you feels like a real-life unskippable ad.

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Unfortunately, the movie you want to watch is unavailable on your 13 streaming services. You can rent it for $2.99 though.

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Every night, millions of teeth go unbrushed.

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Love when plans get canceled. It’s like getting a snow day as an adult.

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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

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Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with a group chat.

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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

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My favorite childhood memory is having energy.