Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

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If your god commands you to kill others, find another god.

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Having a horse run off on you in medieval times must have been crazy. Imagine if your car got scared and ran away, and you found it a day later by itself at a gas station.

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I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

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If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

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Why do men stay in the car for minutes after arriving home?

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They should invent a body that doesn’t keep the score.

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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual. I just paid $18 for a coke & a sandwich. Let’s start with that.

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My boyfriend is mad at me because I keep replying with a fire extinguisher emoji to every girl that comments with a flame emoji on his pictures.

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Might quit my job to focus on summer.