Update on my fitness journey: My wife just handed me a bag of apples at the market and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

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Thanksgiving ain’t been the same ever since my uncle pulled that gun out on everybody.

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The term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what I aspire to be.

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Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

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I have the bruises of a much more active person.

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Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

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Breaking news is really breaking me.

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Men become instantly more attractive when they wear aviators; it’s science.

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Grandparents are there to help the kids get into trouble and teach them stupid things they wouldn’t think of on their own.

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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever farted away a stomachache?

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I don’t believe in lying to children, unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine.