Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for Martinis.

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Love is in the air fryer.

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My cat’s in a bad mood, despite eating and sleeping all day.

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Girls who leave clothing reviews with their height, weight, and size ordered are going to heaven.

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So far, no one has seriously tried to bribe me, which is a shame because I am extremely corrupt. Maybe I need a position with more power.

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I’ve been heading in the wrong direction for most of my life, but since the earth is round, I’m just going to stick with it and see it through.

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After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.

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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved.