When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness.

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I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off.

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Adulthood is realising no one cares about you, and the show must go on.

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If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

Someone from 🇧🇪 has bookmarked:

Our dog snores so loud, we had to rename him Grandpa.

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Girls love a gay best friend until he turns 35 and asks to borrow your womb.

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Men are only nice for 3 weeks, then surprise you with another personality.

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The best way for me to stick to my diet is to go straight back to sleep after breakfast.

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“Stop recording everything and just enjoy the moment” is asking me for videos from last night.

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For a girl that loves sleep and hates stress, my career choice is questionable.