Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

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Doomscrolling: because who doesn’t love anxiety as a hobby?

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Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

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Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.

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I would like to have the peace of mind of a cow. I already have the body.

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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

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People who shower at night are bold enough to assume tomorrow’s even happening.

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Everyone is awful in their own special way.

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“Can you explain the gap in your resume?” I went missing in a national park.

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How do you politely tell someone that they ruined your life?

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There are advantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it. There are disadvantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it.