50+ Funny I Would Quotes That Prove Our Intentions Are Always Hilariously Unrealistic

New funny ID quotes

• Hate Google’s Gemini. If I wanted to get misinformation from a Gemini, I’d talk to my mother.

• If I were a category, I’d be “miscellaneous.”

• If adulting had a return policy, I’d use it immediately.

• If a portal opened up in front of me, I’d go in—no questions asked.

• If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money, I’d become a professional nap taker.

• I’d post more pics, but I don’t want y’all falling in love all at once.

• I couldn’t work at a zoo. I’d have a penguin in my car by the end of the shift.

• I’d like to place an order for a large kiss and an extra-long hug.

• If they played poker with potato chips, I’d have a gambling problem.

• “AI is coming for your job.” Yeah, I’d like to see AI drink 11 coffees, then have a panic attack.

Top funny ID quotes

• I’d be a horrible stalker… I’m always late.

• I’ve had 50 birthdays in a row without being arrested, which I’d say is an impressive streak!

• The thing about sleep is that I’d like to get some of it.

• If I had a boyfriend, I’d watch him dig a hole at the beach and be like, “Wowww, baby, good job. That’s a beautiful hole.

• Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with Face ID?

• For someone who loves to sleep so much, you’d think I’d go to bed earlier.

• Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I’d grow up to be a weird freak.

• I don’t even know what I’d do if a sailor called me a landlubber. I’d probably lose my cool.

• If I were a mouse, I’d say things like “cheesed to meet you”.

• If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.

Popular funny ID quotes

• If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel by now.

• I’d stalk me too, I get it.

• If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

• I’d rather you don’t watch me while I’m liking my own post.

• It’s freaking me out to think of how bad I’d look at the Met Gala.

• If we were both crows, I’d bring you shiny things.

• If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me.

• In case you wanna quit vaping, I’d suggest using a harmonica.

• I never though I’d be the kind of person who wakes up early to exercise. I was right.

• After careful consideration, I think I’d have way more fun if I was incredibly stupid.

More funny ID quotes

• I’d pretend to care about football for you.

• If overthinking burned calories, I’d never need to exercise again.

• I’d trust a groundhog over a weatherman any day.

• I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts working this year.

• If I had a bf, I’d be a gf.

• I could never journal, I’d start lying in there too.

• If I met someone like me, I’d be really concerned for them.

• For once, I’d like to spiral into control.

• I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis.

• If I was polyamorous, I think Id date my girlfriend three times.

Witty ID quotes

• I’d like to shrink you down and add you to my keychain.

• If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a Sighclops.

• If I had a boyfriend, I’d put him in a snow globe and shake it really hard.

• I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes, I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something.

• “I’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano!” -me, politely declining dates.

• I’m at that point in my life where if a car hit me, I’d probably say thank you to the kind stranger.

• Well, well, well, if it isn’t the holiday traffic I said I’d avoid even though I did nothing to avoid it.

• Satan: “I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.”

• God: “I’m all-knowing but I’d rather be all-forgetting.”

• If I had The Force, I’d just use it to open pistachios.

Funny I would quotes remind us that good intentions are free — and endlessly entertaining 🤣. Whether it’s promising to exercise 🏋️, swearing to call someone back 📞, or planning to finally clean the house 🧹, “I would” has become comedy code for “maybe someday” 🙃. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s mastered the art of confidently making plans they know they’ll abandon 🤪. So embrace the talk, laugh at the excuses, and enjoy the never-ending humor of I would 😂!