50+ Funny I Would Quotes That Prove Our Intentions Are Always Hilariously Unrealistic

New funny ID quotes

• 
  If I were karma, I’d watch my back.

  Commentary:
  Karma must be hitting the gym, lifting some iron 🤔💪😄

• 
  If there was a pill for procrastination… I’d probably take it tomorrow.

  Commentary:
  I'll save laughing at this for later 😂💊⏳

• 
  If it weren’t for the last minute, I’d never do anything.

  Commentary:
  Looks like the last minute is the real MVP of my schedule! 😂⏰✨

• 
  Just told my cat I’d give her 500 bucks to stop meowing.

  Commentary:
  Well, looks like I need a loan because my cat just hired a lawyer 😂🐱💸

• 
  Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine?

  Commentary:
  I feel this in my soul…and my untoned abs! 😂🔥🍔

• 
  If we were subway rats, I’d share my pizza crust with you.

  Commentary:
  The highest form of bromance: sharing pizza crumbs and a 6 train. 🍕🐀🚇

• 
  I’d probably be a very chill werewolf, even during a full moon.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like you'd be the first werewolf to request a spa day during a full moon! 🌕🛀🐺

• 
  If a demon ever possessed me, I’d just sit back and say, “Your problem now.”

  Commentary:
  Demon: "I've made a grave mistake." Me: "Welcome to the chaos, buddy!" 😈🤷‍♀️

• 
  When I grow up, I’d like to be a retired lottery winner.

  Commentary:
  Living the dream: skip the work and go straight to the tropical beach villa! 🍹💸🏝️

• 
  I would flirt with you, but I’d rather seduce you with my awkwardness.

  Commentary:
  Awkwardness level: Expert 🎩🤓💃

Top funny ID quotes

• 
  I don’t think I’d get married again, but I would like to annoy someone until one of us is dead.

  Commentary:
  Perfect! My therapist says I need new hobbies anyway! 😂💍🪦

• 
  I’d make room in my pillow fort for you.

  Commentary:
  "Friends who build pillow forts together, stay together 🏰😂🛌"

• 
  I could have been somebody if I’d been somebody else.

  Commentary:
  When I look in the mirror and see my evil twin running the show 😂🤷‍♂️ #AlternateUniverse 🌌

• 
  I’d end my life from loneliness before I ever talk to ChatGPT like it’s my friend.

  Commentary:
  Why talk to bots when my plants listen just fine? 🌿🤖🌱

• 
  I’d rather be spotted in a strip club than a Subway.

  Commentary:
  Spicing up my life one dollar bill at a time! 🕺💵🥪

• 
  If I could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, I’d pick living.

  Commentary:
  Guess I'll save my zombie friend for brunch! 🧟‍♂️🥯😄

• 
  “AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI take a 30-minute poop right after clocking in.

  Commentary:
  At least AI won't hog the bathroom at work! 🚽🤖💼

• 
  Who decided that skeletons are scary? Because honestly, I’d be more scared if the muscular system suddenly walked into my room.

  Commentary:
  🎃💀 Personally, I'd rather meet a rattling set of bones than a walking anatomy lesson with no chill! 💪😅

• 
  I’d rather throw everything I own in the trash than try to deal with people on Facebook Marketplace.

  Commentary:
  Sounds like the only thing more difficult than a Rubik's Cube solved by a squirrel! 🐿️🗑️

• 
  You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

  Commentary:
  "You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo. 💁‍♀️💥 Who knew a tiny piece of plastic could pack so much intimidation factor! 📸 #FearlessSelfie"

Popular funny ID quotes

• 
  Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

  Commentary:
  "Buying house plants is like playing Russian roulette with greenery! 🌱💥 Maybe it's time to invest in a cactus – those things are the true survivors of the plant world! 🌵😂"

• 
  I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong. When exactly does the strong part kick in?

  Commentary:
  Oh, the eternal mystery of when that "strong" part finally arrives! 🤔💪 Maybe it's waiting for the perfect moment to make a grand entrance, like a superhero swooping in to save the day! 🦸‍♂️ Keep eating your greens and who knows, you might just wake up one day with muscles of steel! 💪😄

• 
  If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like they've mastered the art of cornering themselves! 🎨🤪 Maybe next, they'll try sculpting their way out like Michelangelo did with David!"

• 
  If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

  Commentary:
  "If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I'd probably just spend it on more bacon 🥓. After all, why let haters ruin a good bacon-filled moment when you can savor that sizzle instead! 💁‍♂️ #BaconOverBullies"

• 
  Enemies to lovers is only good if they’re gay. If I wanted to see a man and a woman yell at each other, I’d just go downstairs and eat with my parents.

  Commentary:
  😂🍿 "I'm just here for the free dinner theater performance in the kitchen!" 🍝🎭

• 
  I’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns.

  Commentary:
  Well, I suppose we now know what goes honk-honk in the night! 🤡🚲🤣 Just imagine the chaotic symphony of rubber noses and squeaky shoes – a true circus of love! 🎪❤️ #ClowningAround

• 
  The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

  Commentary:
  "Well, it's all fun and games until you end up in heaven's customer service line requesting to speak to the manager… 🌥️👼🏼🙅🏻‍♂️ #PerksOfAfterlife"

• 
  I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

  Commentary:
  "Sorry, can't make it to our plans – apparently my transformation into a super organized, punctual being got lost in the mail 📬💁‍♀️ Maybe next week, when I'm a whole new me! 🤷‍♂️😆"

• 
  Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the elusive dream of a patient seeking some medical honesty! 🤣 Who wouldn't appreciate a doctor with a dash of humility and a sprinkle of candidness? 🩺💬 Perhaps, just once, we'll stumble upon that mythical doctor who dares to admit the limits of medical certainty! 🤷‍♂️💡 #WishfulThinking"

• 
  If I shook my head at every stupid thing I saw, I’d have permanent whiplash.

  Commentary:
  💡 "If I rolled my eyes any harder, I'd be on a perpetual spin cycle." 🙄 Sometimes, the absurdity of life calls for a neck brace and a sense of humor!

More funny ID quotes

• 
  If I was a little smarter, I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the delightful paradox of self-awareness! 🤓🤦‍♂️ Sometimes it takes a touch of brilliance to truly appreciate our own silliness. Embrace the journey from stupidity to wisdom… or just laugh at your own clever stupidity along the way! 🤪🌟"

• 
  If I were God, I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

  Commentary:
  "If I were God, I'd totally pull a Monday move and be like 'Animals? Yeah, I made those. What they did next? Couldn't tell ya, must've been a wild party!' 🐾🎉 #MysteriousCreator"

• 
  If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs saving when you can just throw a barbecue at the asteroid? 🌌🌭 #AsteroidBBQ #ThanksButNoThanksBruceWillis"

• 
  This year I’d like an advent calendar with 24 different tranquilizers.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like someone is really counting down to a stress-free holiday season! 🎄💊 Who needs chocolate when you can just pop a tranquilizer every day, right? 😂 Here's to a peaceful and snoozeful Christmas countdown! 🛏️✨"

• 
  If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the dream of multiplying our cozy comfort! 🛏️😴 Imagine the possibilities: double the snuggles, double the naps, but still only one snooze button to press! 😄 Who needs to be in two places at once when you can just be in bed twice? #SleepGoals"

• 
  That beeping of the parking assistant when you get too close to other cars. I’d like that for people.

  Commentary:
  "Imagine having a personal 'personal space alarm' that beeps whenever someone invades your bubble. 🚗💥😂 It would definitely make navigating through crowded places a lot more entertaining!"

• 
  Patience is for beginners. I’d rather freak out straight away!

  Commentary:
  "Who has time for patience anyway? 😅 Why wait when you can dive headfirst into the chaos? 😜 Embrace the adrenaline rush and just go for it! 🚀 #NoPatienceNoProblem"

• 
  The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

  Commentary:
  "If life were a game, the author of this autobiography would clearly be the master of plot twists and unexpected turns! 📖🤷‍♂️ Never a dull moment in the memoirs of the perpetually surprised protagonist! 😅"

• 
  I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs a haunted house attraction when you have little kids around to keep things spooky? 👻 No thank you, I'll stick to PG-13 scares! 🚫👶 #GhostbustingParenthood"

• 
  My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

  Commentary:
  "Trying to get off the floor after a workout be like 🐢💪 Just trying to avoid the struggle and embrace the grace 😅 #TurtleMoves"

Witty ID quotes

• 
  Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

  Commentary:
  "Seems like even your teeth are trying to avoid their fate! 🚫🦷 Maybe your dentist needs a lesson in personal space… 😂 #ToothEscape"

• 
  I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

  Commentary:
  Looks like someone's priorities are clearly in order! 🥛🐱 Canceling milk delivery is serious business when WWIII is looming, but protecting the cat is non-negotiable. Gotta love a feline's survival instincts, they always know when it's time to hunker down! 😄🌏💥

• 
  If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cat’s problem is.

  Commentary:
  "Looks like this person is feeling unloved compared to their cat! 😽 Who wouldn't appreciate a face full of kisses and smooshes? Maybe the cat just needs some lessons in affection etiquette. 🐱💋 #catantics"

• 
  Yes, hello, I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth, please.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic trade-in deal: out with the old emotional baggage, in with the new financial security! 💸💼 Who wouldn't want to swap ancestral woes for a bank account that doesn't have commitment issues? 😅 Here's to updating our family legacies one transaction at a time! 🔄 #UpgradeInheritance"

• 
  “I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

  Commentary:
  "Well, why settle for half when you can have the whole celestial shebang, right? 🌕🚀 Dream big and aim for the full moon experience – it's a once-in-a-lifetime trip that's always worth the round-trip ticket! 🌟😂"

• 
  “AI is coming for your jobs”. I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers.

  Commentary:
  Well, if AI starts showing up drunk on Fridays and hitting on your coworkers, at least we can finally say that machines are starting to embrace the 'work hard, play hard' motto 🍻🤖🔥 Just imagine the awkward HR meetings with a robot giving excuses like, "I swear, I thought they were into my efficient algorithms!" 😂 #AIinHR

• 
  I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

  Commentary:
  "Who's the real genius here? 😹🍕 Always keep your eyes peeled, you never know when that pizza delivery bird might show up! 🍕🕊️ #PizzaLovers"

• 
  I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

  Commentary:
  "Who needs relaxation when you can have a raptor-inspired adventure? 🦖 Just don't forget your T-Rex repellent! 🏝️ #DesperateTimesCallForDinoVacation"

• 
  If I could turn water into wine, I’d have lots of followers too.

  Commentary:
  "Why walk on water when you can throw the ultimate party instead? 🍷💧🎉 #LifeOfTheParty #WineNotFollowMe"

• 
  Not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever, I’d probably give it my best shot.

  Commentary:
  🤖 "Not saying I'm a bot or anything, but if humans start giving me poetry assignments, we might need to reevaluate the balance of power here. Onions, huh? Well, I guess it's time to make tears flow in the world of literature! 🧅💬📝"