New funny ID quotes

• My dating era has come to an end. I’d like to thank those who participated.

• Handing over my ID at the post office. The clerk said, “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.” I said, “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

• I’d rather lose you than the argument.

• If small talk burned calories, maybe I’d consider it.

• I’d like to know what my dog is thinking as he watches me try one outfit after another while getting ready for a party.

• Just once, I’d love to underthink a situation.

• I like you so much, I’d actually learn your phone number.

• I’d log off, but I get so tired of hearing myself talk.

• I’m so old and have never even met a woman named Jolene. I’d really like to find her, though. She can have my man.

• This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

Top funny ID quotes

• I’d enjoy summer a lot more if someone came by hourly and misted me like produce.

• If I had 50¢ for every math test I’ve failed, I’d have $7.20.

• Yes, I’d love to learn your family card game. I’m sure it won’t be excruciating at all.

• God knew I’d be too powerful if He made me not annoying to women.

• First time buying fireworks, and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

• If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like, why am I always getting all this money?

• Hate Google’s Gemini. If I wanted to get misinformation from a Gemini, I’d talk to my mother.

• If I were a category, I’d be “miscellaneous.”

• If adulting had a return policy, I’d use it immediately.

• If a portal opened up in front of me, I’d go in—no questions asked.

Popular funny ID quotes

• If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money, I’d become a professional nap taker.

• I’d post more pics, but I don’t want y’all falling in love all at once.

• I couldn’t work at a zoo. I’d have a penguin in my car by the end of the shift.

• I’d like to place an order for a large kiss and an extra-long hug.

• If they played poker with potato chips, I’d have a gambling problem.

• “AI is coming for your job.” Yeah, I’d like to see AI drink 11 coffees, then have a panic attack.

• I’d be a horrible stalker… I’m always late.

• I’ve had 50 birthdays in a row without being arrested, which I’d say is an impressive streak!

• The thing about sleep is that I’d like to get some of it.

• If I had a boyfriend, I’d watch him dig a hole at the beach and be like, “Wowww, baby, good job. That’s a beautiful hole.

More funny ID quotes

• Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with Face ID?

• For someone who loves to sleep so much, you’d think I’d go to bed earlier.

• Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I’d grow up to be a weird freak.

• I don’t even know what I’d do if a sailor called me a landlubber. I’d probably lose my cool.

• If I were a mouse, I’d say things like “cheesed to meet you”.

• If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.

• If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel by now.

• I’d stalk me too, I get it.

• If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

• I’d rather you don’t watch me while I’m liking my own post.

Witty ID quotes

• It’s freaking me out to think of how bad I’d look at the Met Gala.

• If we were both crows, I’d bring you shiny things.

• If there was an award for staying at home, I’d win and then send someone else to pick it up for me.

• In case you wanna quit vaping, I’d suggest using a harmonica.

• I never though I’d be the kind of person who wakes up early to exercise. I was right.

• After careful consideration, I think I’d have way more fun if I was incredibly stupid.

• I’d pretend to care about football for you.

• If overthinking burned calories, I’d never need to exercise again.

• I’d trust a groundhog over a weatherman any day.

• I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts working this year.

Funny I would quotes remind us that good intentions are free — and endlessly entertaining 🤣. Whether it’s promising to exercise 🏋️, swearing to call someone back 📞, or planning to finally clean the house 🧹, “I would” has become comedy code for “maybe someday” 🙃. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s mastered the art of confidently making plans they know they’ll abandon 🤪. So embrace the talk, laugh at the excuses, and enjoy the never-ending humor of I would 😂!