New funny me jokes

• Brother: What are you bringing to Thanksgiving dinner? Me: Wine and unresolved issues. They pair nicely.

• I talk to one guy, and he wants to break my heart. I talk to five guys, and they all wanna take me seriously.

• They’re selling me on Temu tomorrow.

• I get so flattered when butterflies or bees buzz around me. Like, sorry ladies, I’m not a flower, but it’s so sweet that you thought I was. Hehe.

• I love that retail therapy works on me. I am so much happier and at peace when I’m buying things for myself.

• I automatically assume everyone finds me unattractive until they tell me otherwise, and then I assume that they are lying to make fun of me.

• Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here talking baby talk to my plants.

• I hate when someone on a magazine cover stares at me while I eat.

• The sexual tension between me and not finishing the last 2 episodes of a drama.

• “Why do I feel like shit all the time?” I ask myself, while staring into the flashlight that tells me bad news.

Top funny me jokes

• Wife bought something on FB Marketplace, but she’s afraid she’ll get kidnapped, so she sends me to pick it up from a guy whose wife sent him because she’s afraid to get kidnapped.

• Call me old, but these days I just get excited to go home and lay down.

• I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

• Lady just asked me what “mansplaining” is. I think it’s a trap. We’ve been staring at each other in silence for half an hour.

• Professor: Most of you won’t pass this course. Me: Cool, so you’re like, real shitty at your job.

• The shrooms told me that we need to get our shit together. That humanity is a bundle of bad habits. I’m headed back in a few weeks, and they need a response from us. What do I tell them?

• The way Christmas shopping expects me to have money right now is, honestly, disrespectful.

• Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service? Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.

• “We’re the only species that drinks milk after infancy, dairy is bad for you!” We’re also the only species that drinks peach mango pineapple spirulina kale smoothies, Karen. Let me eat my cheese in peace.

• A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Popular funny me jokes

• Watching my wife absolutely hate my daughter’s boyfriend while being nice and hospitable to him has made me question every interaction I’ve had with another human being in my life.

• Many people love saying, “Get these away from me,” after eating a few chips.

• At this point, the only thing that can heal me is memory loss.

• Playing Mortal Kombat at an arcade in the 90’s would fix me.

• The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today.

• Telemarketer: “Hello, am I speaking to the head of the household?” Me, handing the phone to my cat: “It’s for you.”

• A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there… Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

• Resting bitch face saves me from so many conversations I don’t want to be part of.

• “Stop recording everything and just enjoy the moment” is asking me for videos from last night.

• “Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

More funny me jokes

• No HR complaint formed against me shall prosper.

• Stop giving kids Bible names but no Bible lessons. Moses tried to rob me last night.

• I lied. There’s no sex. Can you help me put this fitted sheet on my mattress?

• They monitor me harder than Britney Spears around here.

• Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence.

• My trauma is between me and this bartender. The rest of you, mind your business.

• First date idea: you bring me coffee in bed, and we snuggle all morning.

• Nephew showed me his toys on FaceTime, and I had no toys to show him back. Humiliating.

• Nonchalant men are not for me. I want mine to have a panic attack if we’re not talking.

• Hanging out with a couple and saying, “May this love never find me,” every time there’s a slight conflict.

Witty me jokes

• You’ve agreed to go out with me, so that’s going to immediately count against you.

• Saturday Night Fever, but it’s just me yelling, “Five, six, seven, eight!” while my cat lies down and refuses to participate.

• People argue with me more in my head than they do in real life.

• If you ghosted me, don’t come back. Maintain that energy, babe. Stay dead.

• I have a sundress and no man to bend me over in it, sad day.

• Is it just me, or were we promised a totally different frog-to-prince ratio?

• Tonight, the moon is staring at me.

• Am I the only one who prays about everything? Like, ‘God, please help me find where I dropped my AirPods.’

• “Boy, you made these perimenopausal ovaries come back to life,” – me flirting.

• If you’re going to give me some food for thought, it had better be a pizza, or I’m out.