New funny parenting quotes

• I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

• The only joke my mom ever made was me.

• Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

• Just said “shitted feet” instead of “fitted sheet” in front of my my son and his friends. If you need me, I’ll be in the closet.

• Having children is a pyramid scheme.

• When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is “Please forget.”

• Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

• Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

• 90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.

• A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

Top funny parenting quotes

• My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.

• My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me.

• My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

• Every time my kids start whining, I get the urge to call my mom and apologize.

• Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke.

• A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

• Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

• Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they’re the ones who can sign you into a home.

• There are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

• I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.

Popular funny parenting quotes

• The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

• My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead.

• If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it.

• Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.

• Before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

• If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

• My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

• Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

• When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

• Teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach your kid about stingrays, and he will pretend to sting you all afternoon.

More funny parenting quotes

• I love when women have one daughter as their only child. It’s so incredibly chic.

• Not gonna lie, toddlers absolutely nailed it with naps, buttered noodles, and rejecting authority.

• No parenting book prepares you for the stank of your kid’s soccer bag.

• The more I use social media, the more I see why children shouldn’t.

• I love spending my parents’ money, they must pay for bringing me into this world.

• I can’t believe bedtime used to be a punishment.

• In retrospect, I guess “one drunken night of stupidity” isn’t the best response when a child asks you where babies come from.

• Eventually, kids get old enough to see which parent was the problem.

• My favorite part of parenting is when the kids are bored enough to entertain themselves, but getting to that point is excruciating.

• One day I’ll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, “She got that from you,” and I can’t wait.

Witty parenting quotes

• If you’re thinking of becoming a parent, just imagine working 6,570 days straight without a day off.

• “I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”

• Kids be like, I see you have a moment to yourself, and I must correct that immediately.

• Let’s get married and have kids, so instead of relaxing during weeknights, we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

• My kids will never appreciate the amount of extroverting the introvert me does for them.

• Toddlers: the brutally honest roommates nobody asked for!

• Babies will literally step on your face just to grab what they want.

• Childbirth seems like an awful lot of work for an already saturated market.

• Vacations are expensive, but how else could you put a price tag on your kids being ungrateful in a different city.

• Putting a baby on board sticker on my car because other drivers have a right to know who they’re dealing with behind the wheel.

Funny parenting quotes remind us that while raising kids is the toughest job you’ll ever love ❤️, it’s also one of the funniest 😂. From epic tantrums 🎭 to strange conversations 🗣️, kids have a way of turning ordinary days into laugh-out-loud stories 🤣. These quotes are perfect for parents who need a little humor to survive the daily madness 🧩. So embrace the mess, celebrate the chaos, and keep laughing your way through the wild adventure of parenting 🤗!