50+ Funny Parenting Quotes That Prove Raising Kids Is Pure Comedy

Why do babies cry when they are tired? Like, just go to sleep, bro, no one is stopping you.

Just realised if I have a kid, they’re likely to see the year 2100… WTF?

I hope my parents feel proud. They scared me so bad about getting pregnant as a teenager that now they’re never getting grandkids.

Kids these days are soft. I’m pretty sure I died once when I was 7, and my mom made me walk it off.

Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

I’m of the very strong opinion that sex ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy, while her husband sits scrolling through his phone, and her other two children run wild.

I admire how, when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it.

My kids want to know what’s for dinner, like they’re going to be happy with the answer.

My father didn’t want kids, so he had two kids, which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time.

My future husband and I will be stay-at-home parents, and the kids will go to work.

“I’m giving my daughter a male name, ain’t nobody cracking an Abdul.”

(pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.

Once I started spending my own money, I realized my mom was right. We do have food at home.

My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

I know it’s bad, and you’ve got to shut it down right away, but is there anything more hilarious than a swearing toddler?

My favorite part of parenting is when they’re asleep.

“Easy like Sunday morning” is something people with no kids say.

Maybe Baby wants to be put in the corner.

My child has entered the “Why?” stage of linguistic development, and I’ve realized I know absolutely nothing.

What wine pairs well with the kids being stuck inside during a heat wave?

Parent hack: Shut your child’s bedroom door to make your house cleaner.

Kids: making things way more difficult when they don’t have to be, since the dawn of man.

Parenting a teenager is surreal because you’ll be sitting there, and some dude who is much taller than you will walk around the corner and ask you how to open a popcorn bag.

Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

Please pray for our son, who had to unload the dishwasher when “he just did this yesterday, and he’s tired.”

Regrettably, my children appear to have befriended a child I find annoying.

When you realize your punishments as a kid (stay home, take a nap, no junk food, go to bed early) are now your goals as an adult.

The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child.

I’m surviving motherhood, one teenage meltdown at a time.

My son loves Monty Python. My work here is done.

Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

My teenager has really expensive taste for someone who can’t afford to buy their own toothpaste.

You know when a donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking? That’s what it’s like having kids.

My children are very helpful. For example, when I ask them to do something, they suggest a different child that could do it instead.

Are there cheat codes for parenting teenagers? This level is really hard.

None of the parenting books say what to do when your kids start calling you ‘Bruh.’

Legend says that when you’re overwhelmed and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, a small child will appear and tell you that you made their sandwich wrong.

Being a parent means hearing a noise at 3 a.m. and hoping it’s just a ghost and not your toddler getting up again.

Maybe your baby is crying because he knows you don’t have rizz.

If my toddler doesn’t sleep again tonight, I’m running away into the forest.

Mothers be doing unnecessary housework and then get mad at you when they’re tired.

“Mom, how did we get so rich?” your father said, “Thanks, nothing from my end,” on thousands of important Zoom meetings.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes.

One of the toughest jobs in parenting is serving the inevitable eviction notice on your kid’s pillow fort.

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting, but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.