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What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

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I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

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Remember when Mustangs were muscle cars and not an embarrassment to the name.

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I think it broke my boyfriend’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

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One day you’ll find someone obsessed with you. It’s probably going to be a squirrel.

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Yesterday I really wanted tacos and now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams!

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Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses.