30 funny divorce quotes - Wordgag

Having divorced parents as an adult is funny because you and your siblings are like, “Damn, who has custody of Mom today?”

May 30, 2026

I’m 27 and a half. I should be on my first divorce by now.

May 30, 2026

The main reason I got divorced was cause I got married.

May 30, 2026

“I’m interested in the divorce rate for couples who sleep in queen versus king beds.”

May 29, 2026

The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.

May 29, 2026

Being called by your real name in a relationship kinda sounds like a divorce.

May 28, 2026

The divorce process is easier than breaking up with your hair stylist.

May 28, 2026

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, clearly never paid for a divorce.

May 28, 2026

Let’s just call ourselves divorced now and skip the stressful, expensive bit in the middle.

May 28, 2026

Putting your wedding scrapbook in the little free library is an unprecedented level of divorced.

May 28, 2026

Why would I get married when it’s a well-known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

May 27, 2026

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

May 27, 2026

For my next trick, I’ll need a divorce lawyer.

May 27, 2026

Divorcing my wife to focus on my porn addiction.

May 26, 2026

The lion does not concern himself with divorce papers.

May 26, 2026

I had 99 problems but getting divorced solved 98 of them.

May 26, 2026

You don’t scare me, I was married once.

May 24, 2026

Elections make you feel like we’re all in divorce court waiting to see who gets custody of us.

May 23, 2026

Divorce is so weird. Why do I have an ex-aunt?

May 23, 2026

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like “divorce is strong in this one”.

May 23, 2026

75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

May 22, 2026

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

May 21, 2026

I had a hard time coping with the divorce. I’m fine now, but at first I was almost crazy with joy.

May 21, 2026

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

May 21, 2026

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

May 21, 2026

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

May 21, 2026

I thought I needed a drink. Turns out what I really needed was a divorce.

May 21, 2026

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

May 20, 2026

In the 80s, you could literally shrink your kids with a shrink-ray, and your wife wouldn’t divorce you. I’m pretty sure I saw a documentary film about it.

May 19, 2026

Saving on divorce lawyers by staying single.

May 19, 2026