90% of parenting is wondering when you can lie down again.

99 shares on Twitch this month:

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

61 shares on Discord this month:

When God created the giraffe, he probably slipped with the mouse on the screen. This is how its neck was created.

65 shares on Instagram this month:

Unfortunately, I don’t give ugly men a chance, because they wouldn’t give me one if I were the ugly one.

15 shares on Discord this month:

I’m an expert at having a really funny story to tell and then wording it so badly that it’s not even funny anymore.

61 shares on Pinterest this month:

I would like to be reincarnated as less tired.

28 shares on Pinterest this month:

The way people who are really into each other look moments before kissing is so hot. It’s like seeing a glimpse of cannibalism.

61 shares on YouTube this month:

Neighbors are fighting. Can I knock on the wall and ask them to speak up so I know whose side I’m on?

68 shares on Threads this month:

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

31 shares on Pinterest this month:

Sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take so many photos.

72 shares on YouTube this month:

Whoever has my voodoo doll, if you could take some stuffing out of the midsection and give it a little forehead kiss, that would be great.