“Cut my life into pieces” screamed the earthworm and threw itself in front of my spade.

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Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

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If you were a dinosaur, you’d be a Gorgeousaurus.

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Even at my most evil, I’m considerate.

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Friends with no kids are like: Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

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Instead of studying, I like to stay on my phone and worry about how I’m going to pass.

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You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

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The problem with rich people is that I am not one.

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No matter how old you are, when the kitchen roll is empty, you have a telescope.

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Just told my cat I’d give her 500 bucks to stop meowing.

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Unfortunately, you have to almost worship the ground I walk on for me to believe you’re into me.