Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

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Insulting me won’t work. I already said that to myself earlier.

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Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

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Will someone please make me drink some water and limit my screen time?

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I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes, I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something.

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There are two wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord.

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“I have a date with destiny.” Yeah well, I’m in a long-term relationship with the consequences of my actions.

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People really be like, “I would never do that to you,” and then do it with a remix.

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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

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Parents saying “I know my child” will forever be the funniest joke.

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Got my dog microchipped, so if he runs away, I can just press a button, and he’ll explode.