Men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore.

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Why do Marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what The Powerpuff Girls did in 11 minutes?

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Do beavers even know what they’re doing, or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, “Absolutely not”?

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I need to consult the woods about this.

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Women are able to leave the country unexpectedly at any time with the contents of their handbag.

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When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

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Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone.

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Noise cancelling headphones but for when the noises are coming from inside your head.

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Never trust a wet fart.

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Can I be speaker? I’m pretty good at saying a lot without saying anything at all.

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You know what I never see anymore are those old alcoholics with the weird noses.