I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

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Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it.

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Pro Tip: Never make snow angels in a dog park.

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The best time to visit Japan is when you have money!

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I hate that moment when you are tired and sleepy but as soon as you go to bed your body is like “just kidding.”

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Snaccident: eating a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting.

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Elect a clown, expect a circus.

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I can cope well with most situations. Hearing someone smack is not one of them.

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I hate when people set alarms and it wakes up everybody except for them.

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Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

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Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’