I need a browser plugin that disables Amazon when I’m drinking. Hashtag: don’t drink and Prime.

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Seems like paleontologists always have a bone to pick.

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If you’re partying with your cousin and you’re asked if you’re related, “Our parents are siblings” will cause a lot of confusion.

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Life is so exciting. I was in my bedroom and now I’m in the living room. Who knows where I’ll go next.

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Dear everyone. Upset, bored, angry or hungry. I’m here for you. Sincerely, fridge.

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Don’t play with the feelings I barely have.

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If you relate to me, get some help!

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Once I see a vein on your forehead while we arguing, I’ll let you be.

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Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today.

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Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

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If life could stop teaching me lessons, that would be great.