Satan: “I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.”

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I cannot imagine being in high school right now. Imagine the world is eating itself alive and you’re in school.

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I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.

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People be like “bear with me” and they don’t even have a bear with them.

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If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.

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I shall have another coffee, for I am sleeping standing.

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The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem.

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My body’s check engine light has been on for years.

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Geometry is a scam. What do you mean “prove it’s a triangle”? Just look at it.

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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else.

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Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.