Accidentally falling asleep is always the best sleep — and that’s so irritating.

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You ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slowly at the grocery store?

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The only reason I haven’t gone crazy yet is because I’m just too lazy.

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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar, my wife is right behind me.

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Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever.

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I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

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Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet, baby.

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It’s funny how cats have ears on top of their head, but don’t use them.

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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

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Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.