New funny me quotes

• There is sex without love, there is love without sex, and there is me without both.

• Girls want a bad boy to fix. Boys want a good girl to corrupt. Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

• I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

• My soulmate probably seen my posts and deleted me.

• The only joke my mom ever made was me.

• Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

• I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

• Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks.

• Calling me ugly isn’t even an insult, because I know already.

• Just said “shitted feet” instead of “fitted sheet” in front of my my son and his friends. If you need me, I’ll be in the closet.

Top funny me quotes

• Don’t throw hate at me, throw money!

• If you are hotter than me, it means I’m cooler than you.

• Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

• Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

• Nearly choked on a carrot. A donut would never do that to me.

• Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

• Please don’t flirt with me. I’m trying not to cheat on my crush who doesn’t like me.

• I see 1000 girls. I know 100 girls. I talk to 10 girls. I love 1 girl. And she doesn’t love me back.

• Them: Money doesn’t bring happiness. Me: Pass the money over here, I like to be sad.

• I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again.

Popular funny me quotes

• Me to alien: I, too, try to live among people undetected.

• Today I told my daughter she’s giving me a headache! She told me “For suggestions and complaints, contact the manufacturer.”

• I know some people don’t like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.

• Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

• I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

• I’m buysexual, you buy me food, I become sexual.

• Why does tiredness on the couch not follow me to the bed?

• If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

• Life is short, flirt with me!

• I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does.

More funny me quotes

• Don’t scare me, I fart easily.

• Me drinking green tea: this is going to fix everything.

• My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.

• I’m putting free wifi on my gravestone, so people will come visit me.

• Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

• Pretty sure the guy in front of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

• My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me.

• Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I’m ducking so it hits someone else.

• When someone tells me “They could care less”, instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less”, I always say “At least you care.”

• Ladies, repeat after me: “I was wrong and I am sorry!”

Witty me quotes

• You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”

• I love unfollowing people. You have displeased me for the last time. Leave my sight.

• I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever.

• My stress stresses me out to the point where I’m too stressed to deal with my stress.

• I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

• If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck.

• I love it when strangers smile at me and I smile back, and we have that nice stranger smiling moment.

• And so ends another week without me getting rich unexpectedly.

• Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my money’s worth.

• I need someone to look at me the way I look at memes.

Funny me quotes remind us that self-love ❤️ often comes with a healthy dose of self-mockery 😂. Laughing at our own chaos 🎢, weird habits 🤷‍♂️, and dramatic overreactions 🎭 keeps life light and fun 🌞. These quotes are perfect for sharing with friends who know your true level of extra 🙃 or for those moments when you just need a good laugh at yourself 😆. Because let’s face it — me is always a work in progress, and that’s what makes it so entertaining 🤪.