New funny joke quotes

• Chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe, there is nothing in your drink.”

• Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

• The only joke my mom ever made was me.

• If I eat a magnet, will I become more attractive?

• Imagine surviving Covid 19 and then China releases Covid 19S Plus Pro.

• If craziness could fly, some people would have their own airport.

• Having children is a pyramid scheme.

• If you ever need nothing, I’m here for you.

• I’m lacking vitamin c-ash.

• I’m naturally funny cause my whole life is a joke.

Top funny joke quotes

• Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

• My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that makes him cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

• I’m buysexual, you buy me food, I become sexual.

• Don’t worry password, I’m insecure too.

• I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

• I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

• Don’t scare me, I fart easily.

• Spell your crush’s name backwards, mine is yenom.

• If you know karate, you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

• I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Popular funny joke quotes

• The only exercise I done last month was running out of money.

• Sorry, I’m poor, I can’t afford to pay attention.

• The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons, and 85% morons.

• I broke up with the gym. We were just not working out.

• Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

• I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life.

• Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing.

• You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”

• I embarrass myself in front of myself.

• I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

More funny joke quotes

• Forget tagging friends, I want to be able to tag my enemies.

• Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke.

• Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

• If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.

• I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

• Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

• Once you start paying rent, every joke stops being funny.

• A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

• I have lots of hidden talents. The problem is, even I can’t find them.

• The ‘E’ in my name stands for ‘Everything you need.’

Witty joke quotes

• Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

• If you don’t laugh at my jokes then I will.

• My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

• A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is glucose guardian.

• And for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

• Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.

• Spotify has got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

• My phone screen is brighter than my future.

• 4 out 3 people struggle with math.

• Why does the dentist have to take an x-ray of my teeth? They right there, bro!

Funny joke quotes prove that laughter really is the best medicine 💊😂. A simple joke can turn a bad day around 🌧️, spark a conversation 🗨️, or make a room burst into laughter 🤣. These witty lines remind us to embrace the lighter side of life 🌤️ and to never underestimate the power of a perfectly timed punchline 🥊. Keep these jokes handy 📱, share them with friends 👯‍♀️, and let the good vibes roll 🚀 — because the world can always use a bit more laughter! 😄