Funny never quotes dive into the hilarious irony of making bold statements we almost always break 😂. From “I’ll never eat junk food again” 🍔 to “I’ll never text my ex” 📱, these promises often last about five minutes 🤪. These quotes capture the comedy in our overconfident declarations and the quick backpedaling that usually follows 🙃. Get ready to laugh at how often never actually means probably in about an hour 😄!
New funny never quotes
- Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer.
- In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
- I will never forget when my dad had a guy from Verizon call me in middle school to tell me that I was using more data than Obama and that I need to stop.
- Scared to go on dates, cause what if I find the one and never be able to be single again.
- Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”
- “Nobody wants to work anymore!” Personally, I have never wanted to work.
- I came up with my passwords when I was 12, and never looked back.
- I can’t believe we live in the timeline where we invented a technology to make it so we can never trust a photo or video again.
- “You never reply to messages!” I am just one person, okay? I am understaffed.
- My résumé is really just a list of things I hope I never have to do again.
Top funny never quotes
- “Try it all before you die” is always drugs and sex, never quantum physics.
- Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.
- Never underestimate the healing power of having your bed to yourself.
- In every imagination I have pictured myself in, I’m never poor.
- Never underestimate the healing power of a grilled cheese sandwich.
- Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I never wanted to download the Microsoft Authenticator app on my personal phone to access every professional platform necessary to do my job.
- I love surprising my metabolism. It never knows what’s coming—either absolute starvation or 1,000+ calories all at once.
- Take me back to the night we met so I can never give you a chance.
- On my phone, you’ll never see contacts saved as ‘babe’ or ‘love.’ I save full names—first and last—like a government office.
- Never underestimate my ability to stare out a window and not speak for hours on a car ride.
Popular funny never quotes
- Never underestimate the healing power of not watching the news.
- Perfume and jewelry are two things you can never go wrong with gifting me.
- I’m never early… unless we’re talking about the airport.
- This call, should’ve been a message in a bottle I never found.
- My only goal in life is to never end up on a Netflix documentary.
- Never forget that, just a couple of years ago, people were justifying paying $20,000 for a JPEG of an ape.
- “I’ve never met a medical receptionist that I believed wanted me to live.”
- I be butt naked, texting people, and they’ll never know.
- I love beating a dead horse with the girls. There is nothing better than a Saturday night rehashing, and never letting that horse rest in peace.
- Shade coming from a tree bearing no fruit could never phase me. Carry on.
More funny never quotes
- Just say, “My future husband would never do that,” and move on.
- Never going into a job interview nervous again, because, wow, it is literally a free invitation to talk about how amazing I am.
- Why is experimental noise music always scary metallic noises and never fun sounds like people clapping and laughing and like bubbles and stuff?
- Honestly, will never top the year I told everyone I was going to be Amelia Earhart for Halloween, and then didn’t show up to the party.
- It’s always “your monthly bill is available,” never “this month is on us.”
- Never underestimate the healing power of a cheeseburger.
- My future husband is very lucky; he will never stay hungry, because I know so many restaurants with delicious food.
- 90% of the things I worry about never happen. Worrying works.
- Pluck a single eyebrow hair in 1994, and it never grows back. Pluck a single chin hair today, and it’s back with five friends by 6 p.m.
- You really have to enjoy the way a man is acting in the beginning, because you will never meet that man again.
Witty never quotes
- “You have reached your monthly article limit,” – a website you’ve never accessed before today.
- I never had a year with this much thinking. I’ve been thinking since the 1st.
- After a lot of experience, I can conclude that one can never actually cross “washing dishes” off the to-do list.
- I will never understand people who don’t gasp dramatically at rainbows.
- Born to screenshot everything and never look at it again.
- A little time spent not acting your age is never a bad thing.
- When someone says they’re never going to talk to me again, I do the right thing and say thank you.
- Knowing I’ve been called crazy, but never ugly, is how I sleep at night.
- “I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”
- “I’ll see” = not coming, never was coming, never even considered it.
Funny never quotes remind us that absolute statements rarely stand the test of time 🕰️. Whether it’s swearing off bad habits 🍩, making dramatic life vows 🎭, or confidently predicting the future 🔮, we humans love saying never — and then doing the exact opposite 😂. These quotes are perfect for sharing when you catch yourself breaking your own rules 🙃. So embrace the irony, laugh at the empty promises, and accept that never is just another way of saying not yet 🤣!