50+ Funny Kids Quotes That Prove Little Humans Are Comedy Geniuses

New funny kids quotes

• Kids don’t love anything as much as they love arguing with each other.

• One of the toughest jobs in parenting is serving the inevitable eviction notice on your kid’s pillow fort.

• My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

• There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

• All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

• People will name their dog Steve and have two kids named Buddy and Rocket.

• Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

• My kid’s superpower is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it.

• Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

• Having a toddler is wild. I’m getting breaking news about Peppa Pig.

Top funny kids quotes

• I hate when kids scream in public. You don’t have real problems. It should be me screaming.

• I wish I could have a kid just to see what it looks like… and then put it back.

• Kids should get the last name of whichever parent has more followers.

• My kids and I have this bit where I say something and they ignore me.

• Watching Jaws with my kid because I’m sick of going to the beach.

• It’s curious how kids are always really hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

• I took my kids to the zoo when they were small, I wonder how they are getting on now.

• Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio.

• My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

• Currently helping my kids find the chocolate that I ate last night.

Popular funny kids quotes

• The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice-cream.

• I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.

• Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

• If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

• I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

• I love all mythical creatures. Vampires, werewolves, unicorns, kids who listen.

• My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

• Husband said he only wants to allow our kids to watch Looney Tunes and nothing else because of the “moral lessons”.

• Are you there, bathroom walls, ceiling, floor, mirror, sink, and towels? It’s me, the kids toothpaste.

• I may be the reason why our kids are ugly, but you’re the reason why they’re stupid.

More funny kids quotes

• No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she’s done.

• I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

• I love when kids tell me what they want to be when they grow up, because I’m still looking for ideas.

• Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cause kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

• Everyone who got my kids board games for Christmas, when are you coming back to play with them?

• I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

• I think we all know who to blame for the generation of parents who put too many Ys in their kids’ names. Lynyrd Skynyrd.

• Just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving. I will not break this cycle.

• I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get your kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

• I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

Witty kids quotes

• You can recognize working-class kids by the fact that they hang their jacket over the chair in the restaurant and not on the coat hook.

• According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

• My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

• I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

• Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

• The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours.

• Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

• When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

• My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom, why do you always buy Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

• I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.

Funny kids quotes remind us that children are masters of accidental humor 🤣. From epic tantrums 🎭 to bizarre logic that somehow makes sense to them 🧩, kids keep us laughing even on the most exhausting days 😂. These quotes are perfect for parents, teachers, or anyone who’s ever had a kid say something so strange it became an instant classic 🙃. So cherish the madness, enjoy the laughter, and celebrate the comedy that only kids can bring 🤪!