New funny date quotes

• Sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested.

• Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

• I suck at flirting, I end up arguing with them instead.

• She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

• Perks of dating me: you will be the hot one.

• Scared to go on dates, cause what if I find the one and never be able to be single again.

• Asking him what his favorite dinosaur is on the first date to determine compatibility.

• The second date is you watching me parallel park and trying not to have a stroke.

• People think I forgot the shit they said. Ain’t no expiration date on disrespect.

• Just paid my bills. The only thing left on my card is my name and expiration date.

Top funny date quotes

• Not to brag, but my date returned after using the restroom.

• Want to come over and lay around naked, eating grapes like we’re in a Renaissance painting.

• I want a girlfriend so she can make me do shit like pottery, and I act like I don’t want to go.

• This year has gone by so quick. Christmas is basically tomorrow.

• I never had a year with this much thinking. I’ve been thinking since the 1st.

• Canceled a date for a date with another guy, and that guy canceled. It’s what I deserve.

• Forget a dinner date, let’s go sit in court listening to people’s cases.

• If we date and break up, you gotta unlearn all my lingo and cool shit that I taught you. You gotta go back to being lame.

• On a first date, saying “agree to disagree” every time they share anything about themselves.

• I made you snort laugh, so we’re going out, right?

Popular funny date quotes

• Cancelling a date so I can order pizza and go to bed at 8:30 p.m.

• A girl can casually just say something, and you already know you’re not going to date or marry her.

• Deleting dating apps to meet someone the old-fashioned way (in the HR department).

• Oxygen was discovered in 1773. How did our ancestors breathe before then?

• First date idea: you bring me coffee in bed, and we snuggle all morning.

• You’ve agreed to go out with me, so that’s going to immediately count against you.

• Movie date at my house, but we use pirated sites and spend all night closing pop-ups.

• First date idea: we search for each other’s criminal history together.

• First date idea: we deactivate your Instagram.

• Going on dates is hard because do I like them or do I just have sooo much fun being me.

More funny date quotes

• Girls be like, “Baby, I have a great idea,” and it’s a trip you have to pay for.

• “November Rain” is just 9 minutes of me realizing I’m too dramatic to date someone with healthy coping skills.

• Babe, wanna come over and watch me apply for jobs on Indeed until I start to cry.

• The nicest thing I’ve done for a date is turn up.

• I’m gonna be the first zoomer to start dropping the ‘two thousand’ when referring to the past. “Yeah, that was back in ‘17.”

• It’s wild that you can just do anything. Date the wrong person, choose the wrong career. You can go outside and start eating dirt if you want, and the universe lets you. Not even a pop-up like “Are you sure?“

• If only men knew the power “I made reservations, I’ll pick you up at 7” held instead of “I don’t know, whatever you wanna do.”

• Doggystyle, so we can both look at the river.

• Americans be like, “MM:DD:YY” is how you say dates verbally, and then have a national holiday called “4th of July.”

• First date idea: we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died.

Witty date quotes

• The pointless tidy-up before a play date.

• “Dating pool” is incredibly optimistic. More like dating drainage.

• Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner, but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

• Accidentally manifested an emotionally intelligent man that is hot and can cook. We’re currently staring at each other.

• Hey, you wanna come to a wedding with me? You could be the groom.

• Seeking a date so intense even the candles are sweating.

• Need a dimly lit cocktail date with a gaze so lustful it causes God to draft up another sin.

• There’s something so romantic about getting McDonald’s with a lover. Intimate perhaps.

• Why would I date a nonchalant man? I like my men how I like my thong.

• The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Funny date quotes remind us that while love might be serious, dating is often pure comedy 🎭. Whether it’s bad restaurant choices 🍝, embarrassing moments 🤦‍♂️, or conversations that go completely off the rails 🚂, every date is full of laughs. These quotes are perfect for anyone who’s survived the wild world of dating — and come out with great stories 🤣. So embrace the cringe, enjoy the charm, and keep laughing your way through every date 🤪!