New funny workplace quotes

• My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

• My company promotes diversity. We’d never hire twins.

• Stay an extra hour in the office and no one cares. Arrive a few minutes late and everyone loses their minds.

• Apparently “Spite” is not an appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

• Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid. I asked. Twice.

• “AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI take a 30-minute poop right after clocking in.

• Jobs be asking me for 3 references, and I think I might start doing the same. Like, let me talk to 3 happy employees, please.

• Imagine working at Pornhub. At like the corporate office as a developer or whatever. White collar. That’s gotta be a weird job. Working there has gotta be bloody weird.

• Got sent to HR for calling someone a “jellyfish” — just floating around all day, doing absolutely nothing.

• Actually, no one sees you at your worst like your coworkers do.

Top funny workplace quotes

• My boss was like, “People working from home are just pretending to work,” and it’s like, dude, what do you think I’m doing in the office?

• A job interview is basically a conversation between two liars.

• Corporate life requires an ass-licking skill set I simply wasn’t born with.

• (To my coworker that’s a year younger than me) You’re like a son to me.

• On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker “Mastercard” because they take credit for other people’s work.

• I hope this out-of-office message finds you well.

• This meeting could have been a cave painting.

• Twitter account so good even HR wants to see it.

• Quitting a job is not enough. I need them to go out of business when I leave.

• Deleting dating apps to meet someone the old-fashioned way (in the HR department).

Popular funny workplace quotes

• No HR complaint formed against me shall prosper.

• Been acting really busy today because I can tell my coworker wants to talk about something in his personal life.

• I told a joke to my boss, and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

• Me: This is a hard escape room. Manager: You’re at work.

• Wait… if you’re circling back and I’m touching base, who the hell is monitoring the situation?

• Controlling your anger at work is a job in itself.

• A friend’s boyfriend is not my friend… that is a coworker, at best.

• I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. Got some sick rhymes about Debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing.

• Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.

• If the office is always a little cold, you might be working for the lizard people.

More funny workplace quotes

• Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

• Someone at my job mentioned severance, and I was like, “Oh my God, I love that show,” and they said, “No, I’m about to get fired.”

• The worst part about going to work is the part where you have to go to work.

• Just got hired at Five Guys as the guy who punches the burger before they put it in the bag.

• Every day, a new coworker asks if you’ve used ChatGPT, and the conversation doesn’t end if you say “No.”

• Quitting my job to focus more on my desire not to work anymore.

• Do you think working at Pizza Hut would help you get a job at Sunglass Hut? You know, with all that hut experience?

• Dear unsuccessful applicant, we ultimately decided to split the role between existing staff without paying any of them extra.

• Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

• Say what you want about online meetings, but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

Witty workplace quotes

• I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me.

• Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.

• Every day, I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

• People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

• I’m far too underqualified for adult life, and I feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly.

• “PTO” stands for “prepare the others” because you’re not gonna be there.

• Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”

• I’ve started ripping my shirt in half like Hulk Hogan when I mean business. Long story short, I’m looking for a new job.

• The lion does not concern himself with attaching a cover letter.

• Working my first office job. Is it normal to have nothing to do?

Funny workplace quotes remind us that no matter where you work, some things are universally ridiculous 😂. From coworkers with questionable habits 🤦‍♂️ to printers that only break when you’re in a hurry 🖨️, the workplace offers endless comedy gold 🤣. These quotes are perfect for sharing with colleagues who appreciate the daily madness 🙃. So grab your coffee ☕, brace for the next unexpected “emergency,” and keep laughing your way through workplace chaos 🤪!