Americans be like, “MM:DD:YY” is how you say dates verbally, and then have a national holiday called “4th of July.”

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Got a new Roomba but keeping the old one to see if I can get them to fight.

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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

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I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no.

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Normalize saying, “I’m not informed enough to have an opinion on the matter.”

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At a certain age, all you really want is a good mattress.

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Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down?

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If you’re going to give me some food for thought, it had better be a pizza, or I’m out.

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I was googling about the best time to visit the Maldives. It’s when you have money.

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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.