Life is too short, and death is too long.

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How bad can a decision really be if nobody from the future shows up to stop you?

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness.

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Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

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Could someone please come over here and be the adult? I’m too tired.

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I love being wrong, it’s just like being right except easier and I get to be stupid, which is my favorite thing.

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Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.

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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

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Satan: “I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.”

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Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.