Accessories can really boost a woman’s self-confidence. For example, I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times.

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In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

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I’ll never salute you, General Settings.

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Billionaires didn’t get rich by working harder. They got rich by making sure you work harder, get paid less, and spend more.

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Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

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Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

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Apparently, “I just don’t want to” is not a valid reason when your boss asks you why you’re not coming in today.

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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

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My day starts backwards, I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

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You’re so productive for your wage.

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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.