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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

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You are my favorite dirty thought.

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The term โ€œdomestic housewifeโ€ implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what I aspire to be.

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Every email sent to me should end with ‘but if your tummy is hurting, donโ€™t worry about it.’

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All Iโ€™m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

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Getting married soon. Just need a spouse.

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Sleep is a free trial of death but with ads.

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It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy.

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Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

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Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.

Commentary:
Sounds like a concert where "smoked" means the food *and* the vibes! ๐ŸŽต๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿณ

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