I thought I wanted a career. Turns out all I wanted is paychecks.

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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

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My dogs don’t feel earthquakes because they have constant gas.

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I ordered mushrooms on my pizza. When do they kick in?

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The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

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Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it can make you hotter than your enemies.

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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws.

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You’re really hot. Wanna share microplastics?

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Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers ‘my pharmily’.

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Imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog.

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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.