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People say I act like I don’t care. It’s not an act.

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My spirit animal is that bird that knocks itself unconscious flying into windows.

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I have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones.

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Tolerate the lactose already, you heathen.

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It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

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There’s something fundamentally wrong with the way people interact with each other on LinkedIn.

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I got 3 miles in before breakfast. That’s enough driving for the day.

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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Someone from has copied:

Icarus loved hot wings.

Someone from has bookmarked:

I’m delusional but self-aware, I call that Delaware.

Funny Quotes Data

New Funny Quotes

658 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,820

Funny Quotes Topics

13,795

Funny Quotes Images

10,820

40 minutes ago

3,437

Social Media Log

Breaking via Facebook:

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

Trending via Telegram:

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Making waves on Discord:

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about, because of the first rule of Fight Club.

Making waves on WeChat:

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up, and more to warn the rest of us.

Spreading quickly via Facebook:

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes, but what about the ones who don’t have cars?

Spotted on X:

When I bark at a dog, I always worry that I might have inadvertently said something wrong.

Spotted on TikTok:

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Spotted on Threads:

My whole life is basically a blooper reel.

Shared recently on Reddit:

Hi, where do you meet someone without dating apps and if you never leave your apartment? I need tips, please. Urgently!

Making waves on Reddit:

Of course the laundry has to be done, but the wine doesn’t drink itself either.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

6 months ago

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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

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Commentary:
"Ah, yes, because why help a Nigerian royal family when you could simply become one yourself Don't let the cynics rain on your royal parade! #NobleIntentions"

cynicism, family, help, humor, i, me, Nigerian, royal, royal family, urge

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I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help.
Every time my kids start whining, I get the urge to call my mom and apologize.

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Welcome to Wordgag! Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up.

Trending Funny Quotes

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
So many people to disappoint, so little time.
They should invent a life where I know what I’m doing.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking.
Trying is the first step toward failure.

Hot Funny Quotes

Did you know 17 muscles are activated when you’re crying? Fitness is my passion.
The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the objects and furniture in the house are in the correct place.
One day there will be condoms with Bluetooth that tell you whether you’re good in bed, how many calories you’ve burned and when the next train leaves.
If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.
New year update: losing everything but weight.

Trending Topics

activity communication day food fun humor i irony joke just know life love me media need people procrastination relationship sarcasm social someone technology think time want work

Funny Quotes Data

New Funny Quotes

658 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,820

Funny Quotes Topics

13,795

Funny Quotes Images

10,820

40 minutes ago

3,424

Funny Quotes of the Month

Listen to your body? The body that craves a lethal amount of Kinder Bueno?
Every guy wants to be called Daddy till that test comes back positive.
Like, who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect?
Betrayal is when you’re holding a baby, and they put their arms out for someone else.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Funny Quotes of the Year

I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
“Pre” means before, and “post” means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Everyone should be more grateful for what I don’t say.
I want Wolverine claws. Not for violence or anything. I want them for easing my way through reality. Like opening an Amazon package.
Sometimes I read a text and think, “What a psycho.” And then I press send.

Activity Log

Someone from has bookmarked:

“Are you seeing someone?” Like a hallucination, therapist, or a guy?

Someone from has copied:

As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Someone from has shared:

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently, you can say literally anything there.

Someone from has downloaded:

As a child, my family’s mealtime menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Someone from has downloaded:

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better.

Someone from has bookmarked:

When your name is Jenn, people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

Someone from has shared:

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Someone from has copied:

Age is just a number… that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

Someone from has viewed:

Today is one of those days that even my coffee needs a coffee.

Someone from has shared:

Shoutout to everyone pretending to have it together. Same.

Social Media Log

Reported on LinkedIn:

When someone dies people say “he’s going to meet his Maker”. No he’s not. God doesn’t mingle with the staff.

Going viral on X:

Everything is dishwasher safe if you don’t care enough about it.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Prime numbers are so cunty. Like okay, diva — only divisible by yourself?

Shared recently on Slack:

You think you’ve seen gold diggers, until you see a male friend group where only one of them made it.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognized him by lunch time.

Going viral on Slack:

I am on a diet where you just speak Italian: “Pasta,” “Pizza,” and “I’m leaving Rooma for dessert.”

Breaking via Slack:

Imagine hating me and im just at my desk spinning reeaaally fast in my office chair.

Just shared via TikTok:

Woke up and immediately broke my resolution to be less sexy this year.

Freshly posted on X:

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing in front of the rotisserie chicken at Costco.

Just landed via WeChat:

The little umbrella is so unnecessary. Like, my drink is already wet, bro.

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