A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

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Welcome to adulthood. Everyone’s tired here.

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When a man is a good cook, that cancels out like three red flags.

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If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

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Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

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“Oh, I’d love to but I can’t.” Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

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One time, I was so high my bra unclasped, and I thought I got shot.

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I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

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Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.